When You Love Someone
“To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.”
Image credit @rayhennessy
I remember like it was last week when I rang the doorbell. My Mom came to the door. She greeted me with a smile, and I knew she had no idea who I was.
I was in my 40s; she was in her 70s. When my dad could no longer care for her, she ultimately spent years in a nursing home and passed away when she was 85. I value that those who cared for her there respected her and seemed to know who she was and who she had been...kind, compassionate, generous, gracious, non-judgmental, understanding, and accepting of everyone.
Caregiving is an art. Caregiving to someone with Alzheimer's requires an understanding of what is going on: the inability to retain information and, eventually, the inability to recognize those they love the most. It is hard, especially for the caregiver.
Caregiving or “being there” for a friend or loved one with a life-threatening illness or other life crisis is challenging, as well, because it can be difficult to know what to do. When do you offer to help? When do you step back? How can you know what is needed? It is hard. And it’s important not to assume what is needed but to ask, “What do you need?” or “What can I do?“ or to say, “I’m here. I will always be here.”
When you love someone, you learn, with time, what they find meaningful and enjoyable. We have lots of time to practice this with those we care about. When friends or family visit, do you consider what they might like to eat or do? When gift-giving, do you make the effort to give them something that brings a smile to their face? When a loved one is "down," do you know the “song” that will help them through the darkest times?
When going through tough times, it can be difficult for all of us to remember the song in our hearts. It can be challenging to retain a sense of oneself. When one is a “patient,” sometimes it feels like that is the totality of who one is. When one is divorced, widowed, or unpartnered, it can feel like that is the defining category. When one’s hair is white and skin is wrinkled, it’s important to remember that that is not the essence of who one is. We are not defined by medical diagnoses, marital or parenting status, circumstance, or age. But when stressful circumstances or others attempt to define us, we can forget our song.
We each have our unique song…the words or the melody that lifts us up when we need it the most. When I am down, my husband often tells me, "Sherry, remember who you are.” And that is the song I need to hear because he remembers, even when I forget.
In the midst of winter, a cardinal shows up. Native Americans believe the cardinal represents devotion and loving relationships, and cardinals are often linked with hope and new beginnings after a harsh winter. Many believe cardinals are sent as spiritual messengers by deceased loved ones to watch over us. A cardinal reminds us of friendship, devotion, a loved one’s presence, harmony, beauty, new beginnings, and hope. Maybe a cardinal can also remind us that when another is struggling, even in the coldest winter of their life, when their song is forgotten, we can learn the song in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten.