The Manhole
“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”
He was walking down the street, oblivious to his surroundings and absorbed in the video on his iPhone. There was no awareness of the uncovered manhole ahead until he stumbled into semi-darkness 10 feet underground. Stunned but coming to his senses, he yelled for someone to come to his aid, to help him out of the deep hole. He heard a voice above him – the voice of a priest. Thank God, he thought. The priest offered a prayer on his behalf and walked on.
More time passed, and he heard another voice above, asking if he were hurt. He said, “No. Just help me out of here.” The man above threw his business card down the hole with his law firm’s address and contact information. He said, “If you make it out of there, give me a call. We could make a killing off this case,” and he walked on.
Discouraged, bruised, and despairing, the man in the hole thought he would never have anyone help him out of the hole. He heard more people walk by, but no one responded to his pleas for help. He was about to give up when a man jumped into the hole with him. “Are you nuts?” the man who fell in the hole asked. “Now we’re both stuck down here! What were you thinking?” The other man replied, “But I know the way out.”
When someone is in a tough spot, it’s hard “being there” for them, knowing what to say, what not to say, what to do, or maybe worst of all, feeling helpless because there’s nothing to do. It’s much harder to know what is helpful. It can be easy to offer platitudes and even place blame. So, words come pouring out, most well-intentioned, but some are delivered with a hint of arrogance or judgment.
Here are some comments patients have shared:
“A friend told me, ‘It’s going to be just fine,’ and I felt resentful.”
“A friend asked me, ‘Why are you taking chemo? It’s poison, you know,’ and I felt scared.”
“A friend told me, ‘God must be punishing you,’ and I felt confused.”
“A friend told me, ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ and I felt angry.”
“A friend told me, ‘You should try this alternative therapy I’ve heard about. It’ll cure your cancer in no time,’ and I felt unsure.”
“A friend told me, ‘You should have taken better care of yourself,’ and I felt guilty.”
“A friend told me, ‘Let me tell you about my second cousin who died,’ and I felt hopeless.”
“A friend said nothing to me, and I felt alone.”
“A friend said, ‘I’m here. Tell me what I can do to be helpful,’ and I felt love and support.”
Those who’ve been through difficult times, and especially a cancer experience, “know the way out,” meaning they know how to get through it, and they know what words are wounding, hurtful even, and what words are comforting and helpful. It’s hard – maybe impossible – to get through life without falling into a manhole at one time or another. But someone else has been in a similar hole, and she knows the way out. Reach out, learn from others who see the path ahead, and feel the love and support.
Download the PDF companion worksheet or request a digital worksheet. This worksheet enables you to understand your reactions to others’ comments, find thoughtful and creative ways to respond, and get the support you need.
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