Lessons from Harold
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”
Image Credit @zack_silver
I have been an oncology social worker for over 35 years, and during that time, I shared many patients with my husband, a counselor at the cancer center where we both worked.
We learned several lessons over the years from those who had a cancer diagnosis. One of the most valuable came from Harold. He was told his life expectancy was 30 months. He said, "I decided there are two things that will determine how I live the rest of my life: 1) I will be in charge of my medical care; 2) I will not live in fear." His words echo loudly because we are in his shoes now. His voice guides us as surely as if he's walking into the room for our monthly support group. We guided him then, and he's guiding us now.
As a healthcare professional, I never knew the extraordinary challenges patients faced in getting tests or scans done in a timely manner. The need to advocate (beg?) for an appointment less than 4-6 weeks in the future…the challenge of communicating with new staff nearly every visit, to name a few.
I honestly had no idea how difficult that was for folks. It’s exhausting. I thought we were unique in experiencing so many roadblocks. But I'm learning that is not unusual, and I'm stunned. I knew about the challenges patients faced with fatigue, nausea, weight and hair loss, body image, and social alienation. There's so much I didn't know.
I know that we need to be in charge of my husband's medical care. I knew then, and now on a personal level, that one can get a "reputation" for advocating for oneself or for a loved one's care. I know firsthand that playing bad cop may be necessary. I don't like that role, but I'll do it in a heartbeat if required. Harold, yes, we will certainly be in charge of the medical care as much as possible.
The second part...not living in fear? Well, that is a bit trickier. How did you do that, Harold? I know you were a person of faith. I know you lived intentionally. I know we can choose not to focus on the fear of death but on living every day to the fullest. I know what you chose.
But there are so many fears...fear of pain, fear of dependency, fear of death, fear of losing one's identity, and they can be all-consuming. But I’ve decided to allocate fear to another day because my goal is to follow in your footsteps. I'm not doing it perfectly, and I'm struggling some days. You weren't above reaching out for support. I'm learning to do that. Who knew when you went through that difficult time, you would guide and teach us so many years later?
That's how we get through tough times—we get through them together by sharing our stories and learning lessons from one another. Thank you, Harold, for being you and for being here for us so many years later. Somewhere on this road less traveled, I hope all of us can share the lessons we’ve learned and be the beacon of hope that you've been to us, whether it's for 30 months or 30 years.
Note: Harold lived 30 years beyond his prognosis. Not everyone has that option, but thankfully, he did.
Carpe Diem!
Leave feedback for the author here. (Comments are not posted online.)