I was in the 20-items-or-less fast checkout lane with 12 items in my basket. The woman in front of me had 29 things – I know because I counted them. Really? I found myself getting very annoyed. Why can’t people just follow the guidelines? The more I thought about it, the more frustrated, angry even, I became. When I finally left the store, I was in a cranky and critical mood.

Some people need to know the odds, but knowing “the spread” of a football game doesn’t ensure a win or a loss. My favorite team learned that lesson recently. Some people want survival rate statistics following a cancer diagnosis, but those numbers don’t guarantee survival or death.

Is it possible to live a balanced life 24/7? I doubt it. But it is something to work toward. There’s so much talk about living a balanced life…it sounds perfect, having it all together: Just enough sleep to function optimally (but too much sleep could suggest depression); Just enough exercise to feel great (but too much exercise can cause joint stress); Just enough sun for a healthy Vitamin D level (but too much sun can cause skin cancer). And the list goes on.

When I was young, I tried to be perfect. I didn’t like making mistakes. A math or spelling test score of 98 wasn’t quite good enough; I wanted the perfect score: 100. And in mid-life, I still didn’t like making mistakes, forgetting something, or having a typo on a newsletter. I strove for perfection.

In light of recent personal and global losses, I’m reflecting on what's important and valued, and how I want to spend my time. I’m thinking of this time as a reset button – this time when the world has changed due to so many losses – tragic deaths, Covid-19, a cancer diagnosis – when everything is different, when I’m different.

Everything feels out of sync and nothing feels normal. New words and phrases become commonplace: social distancing, community spread, PPE, N95, flattening the curve, Zoom. Some days I really struggle with my emotions and I have trouble not being overwhelmed by thoughts like…”When will things get back to normal? Will this ever end? Am I being irrational or just trying to be safe? My anxiety feels out of my control. I feel a little depressed…and maybe a little scared, and that’s not typical for me. I don’t handle uncertainty well. I’m used to planning ahead. I’m exhausted from the news and from feeling hypervigilant.”