I remember a time when sitting down for a few minutes, doing basically nothing, was out of the question. I felt guilty for not “doing something” because there was so much that needed to be done: meal preparation, attending kids’ activities and church functions, dusting and vacuuming, yard work, and laundry…always laundry. Later on, there were meetings to attend, professional journals to read patients to see, groups to lead, and never, never any unfilled moments.

Nearly everyone has been through at least one tough time, and more often than not, many tough times. In the midst of dark days, it may seem like they will never end. One can question how it’s possible to navigate such distressing times when the light at the end of the tunnel seems far away and dim.

I was in the 20-items-or-less fast checkout lane with 12 items in my basket. The woman in front of me had 29 things – I know because I counted them. Really? I found myself getting very annoyed. Why can’t people just follow the guidelines? The more I thought about it, the more frustrated, angry even, I became. When I finally left the store, I was in a cranky and critical mood.

Some people need to know the odds, but knowing “the spread” of a football game doesn’t ensure a win or a loss. My favorite team learned that lesson recently. Some people want survival rate statistics following a cancer diagnosis, but those numbers don’t guarantee survival or death.

Is it possible to live a balanced life 24/7? I doubt it. But it is something to work toward. There’s so much talk about living a balanced life…it sounds perfect, having it all together: Just enough sleep to function optimally (but too much sleep could suggest depression); Just enough exercise to feel great (but too much exercise can cause joint stress); Just enough sun for a healthy Vitamin D level (but too much sun can cause skin cancer). And the list goes on.

When I was young, I tried to be perfect. I didn’t like making mistakes. A math or spelling test score of 98 wasn’t quite good enough; I wanted the perfect score: 100. And in mid-life, I still didn’t like making mistakes, forgetting something, or having a typo on a newsletter. I strove for perfection.

In light of recent personal and global losses, I’m reflecting on what's important and valued, and how I want to spend my time. I’m thinking of this time as a reset button – this time when the world has changed due to so many losses – tragic deaths, Covid-19, a cancer diagnosis – when everything is different, when I’m different.

Everything feels out of sync and nothing feels normal. New words and phrases become commonplace: social distancing, community spread, PPE, N95, flattening the curve, Zoom. Some days I really struggle with my emotions and I have trouble not being overwhelmed by thoughts like…”When will things get back to normal? Will this ever end? Am I being irrational or just trying to be safe? My anxiety feels out of my control. I feel a little depressed…and maybe a little scared, and that’s not typical for me. I don’t handle uncertainty well. I’m used to planning ahead. I’m exhausted from the news and from feeling hypervigilant.”